I smell the vague cologne of a memory
I crave the touch of someone whose prints have been erased from my skin
of frosted kisses and interlinked fingers
I miss habits and routines that were established.
Something I swear was..or is real
Something I use to hold and escape into
But I've come to realize that it was never tangible.
This incomplete reality is a my own hopes doused in my wildest fantasy


This ache is unbearable.
Oddly I feel numb at times and that hurts more.
It's like I've been awaken to this new world..this new sense..
And losing it somehow means that I accept hopelessness.
I feel lost my head most days
replaying memories and making sure they were real and not some fantasy I've brainwashed myself with.
It happened
They happened
We happened
and it was all so poetic.. tragic...surreal...and unexpected

I don't know how to make it stop
this..hurt..no longing is more accurate
amidst this chaotic state of change and insecurities why of all things I am so acutely focused on this?
And I am so good with the words.
Defining, pondering
and you're a fleeting thoughts
ambiguous, vague and oddly prophetic at times.
if only knew what a remedy your words would be
If ever you would use them wisely
I'd never tell you so...I'd never want you to feel compelled.
It ought to be natural...


I'm working on it,
With everything I am..and everything I got
I'll make this happen you'll see
The rewards will be plenty and oh so deserving.

Crossroad

I am at the biggest and perhaps the most important turning point of my life. On one hand I have the option of playing it safe while being bitterly unhappy and still facing unknown dangers. On the other hand us the option of taking a leap of faith and for the first time in my life doing something for myself despite all the consequences. I'd be surrounded by my loves and creating my own little niche and being comfortable. But there's mm guarantees that I'd be able to survive. It would test my nite and I'd be placing my future on hold for the possibility of making it better.
I am so scared and I feel like I can talk to anyone about it because it all sounds so naive and immature. I'm gambling on my life. i hate taking risks that I can't fully calculate  I wish I had a little bit of financial support. everything is going to be do hard. I am so scared.
I need a sign. A little bit of help and guidance. I need something g to give and make it obvious what it is I'm supposed to do

I'm so terrified and alone.

I feel like such an idiot. Thank you fr ruining my night.

To say the last week was stressful is a huge understatement.
Honestly, I am at a turning point in my life and all the diverging paths before me offer equal amount of pain and hopes. Honestly, I can't decide what to do. And I haven't been able to get an honest opinion about it from friends because I haven't been completely honest about my situation. Different people know different amount of truths. I haven't lied...I just can't tell anyone everything both out of embarrassment and utter fear of pit. I am so bent out of shape about everything and I can't even vent and lament here.

School ended on a bitter sweet note. I am so relieved that despite it all I didn't manage to fail my classes and get my GPA to its pristine standard. But I also had to learn that my major really won't let me graduate until 2014. Even though I spent the last 4 years just cramming and inhaling everything all at once hoping to finish early but alas that will not be the case. At this point I might as well get my masters in business administration when I am done with my BA. Because my masters will surely take way way too long than I have patience for. At 23, I had expected to have my masters already. And having to go to upper division is not the least bit appealing at this point. So I just don't even know where I'll go... I kind of want to take a year off or something just because I can't even remember why I chose architecture in the first place or why I am even still in school. It all seems so mundane and just tragic now.

Then, mum is sick. We don't know just how grave it is yet, but it's just terrible timing now. i mean any sickness is really terrible timing. But it's especially worst now. and I feel like once again, as I find myself bracing myself to catch flight something pulls me back down. and I am just furious and annoyed and guilty and frustrated. I can't even begin to describe the gut-wrenching feeling that has wrapped itself about me. I feel horrible, I really do...and I am paralyzed by these emotions and I find myself tagging along for the ride even though the whole idea of  doing just that makes me nauseous.

Now things are further complicated and brought to a complete halt by the  fact that Lex my feel good buddy had some unappealing news and I know for sure that all the plans we made have been cancelled. I think. and this constant sea of uncertainty and  spontaneous obstacles keeps washing over us as we try desperately to remain afloat the rough currents.

At work, we have a new addition to management and saying I don't like her is grossly understating the immense resentment I bear for her.  Really she is sort of a prudish bitch who doesn't seem to understand the general consensus that no one likes her and pretty soon our glassy smiles will turn to smirks of disgust.
Things have been kind of shitty...and it sucks because all year I've looked forward to summer because I had honestly thought things would be so much more different than they currently are. fail.

I still don't know how I am going to face, let alone solve all of these things.

I think I'm in love.

Pictures from Phone

Lex: you think you look awful? Go in the bathroom and take a picture. [conversation @ wingstop]

Mum- OMG I want to show Maame the picture. Please take a picture and send it to her

Balloons from my drunken sloppy night

big ass computer on th fourth floor of the library

Jay: Show me what you look like now. C'mon

Mum's delish consonnme

traffic Jam

my new favorite shirt<3

Gilles' mad photography skills

baby bro studying for finals

making fu of gilles

Alex drunk in IHOP. Lex and I tipsy

Clumsy.

Tonight is lamuh!
I was super duper excited like from six until about eleven. And I waited for Jay to call because I was bouncing off the wall because, well I don't know life is not being the usual bitch or whatever. So this crackhead never does and I'm like, Isa share the embarrassment and I call said crackhead and he is like
"babur I was in bed"
ptchhh so I guilt tripped him for his epic failureness.
First he disses my awesome new harry potter ringtone and calls me a nerd and a loser.
So my excitement decreased until it flatlined. And I made sammiches for Alex and I and I moped around like a cat wishing I was a cat. and then I finished putting together tomorrow's outfit because I work all blood day. fail fail.
and I will wake up in five hours and I am sleepless and annoyed... and worried and tired. and stressed... because I crashed in reality full force.
I dont know. I want someone to rub my back and tell me it's all going to be alright while handing me a bag of money and also a smoothie.

and I want to be done with school and new fucking ipod classic 160gb please and thank you. fuck fuck I hate choosing my music.
and also I want someone to tell me what the fuck I am supposed to do with my life and help me chose a door. and read my palm and shit. and tomorrow Lex wants to go out but both Alex and I work closing and I dont how the fuck I am gonna stand up and not fall asleep and I will get shitfaced because I love being shitfaced and i am in a really annoyed mood. but I am nto mad just really frustrated.
Also I want someone to take me to a shopping spree.
i want to make things happen. Someone come love me.
ok I amdone now. I make sleepy time.

Kimbra- Settle Down

To Jay,

Liar, liar, I caught fire...

I feel awful for lying to myself. Desperately trying to portray an "ok-ness" that isn't really there. I mean..am I just paranoid and therefore making myself believe something is wrong?

I don't know. Everything is so fuzzy and confusing I am not sure which way i came in and where to go out.
I'm fine most of the time. I don't cry...even when I am alone. But there is a giant gaping whole within me and I don't know how to fill it up..or what with.
Honestly all I want is to be in a perfectly gloom room, smelling of french vanilla and almonds, with music and his comforting embrace. Instead, I am settling for the warmth of my tea mug while Esthero moans in the background.
Everything drags on to a still to a point where they become aimless and pointless. There's a hissing pitch in the back of my mind from a stillness that I can't follow.
I try to be in the moment..in class..at work.. at dinner. But the truth is my mind is constantly drifting relieving and replaying scenarios of months before. Conversation that already happened, which leave a lingering smile on my lips. And I catch myself smiling and I have to reel it back in. Because I'm hoping to suppress and forget. I think my sister  maybe right and I need to face myself because this is so destructive and unproductive.
And I am trying so hard to move the fuck on. I don't talk about it to anyone. I go out. I keep busy. I buy books again to melt in them the way I use to. Nothing works.  With every passing day, when I am sure that I am fading from your world, your absence is so highlighted in mine.
I see it in the music I listen to or the things that catch my attention..especially in men. When I absentmindedly quote you..or think of you in a situation.
Or the random fact that after not dreaming in months, my first dream in the longest was of you.. and it has been so at least three times a week. And I wake up hurt and torn. Wondering what when wrong or if I should bother to even try and make it right.
I wonder if I am still relevant to you. Probably not. One can only hope. In case you were wondering you still are to me.
It wasn't suppose to last this long or hurt this much.
I am tired of everyone who say they are proud of me for trying something new and being true. And sticking around even things were bleak and even though I got hurt I remained happy and didn't spiral into some dark depression.
Truth is I am mad at hell for not listening to myself and giving this a shot. Because I got exactly what I didn't want out of this. Hurt, anger, frustration, and even more insecurity issues. I'm a fucking backetcase. I should have been left alone since you knew you'd turn into a fucking twerp. I am so angry and I have no one to throw my anger at.  I don't want to abuse someone for something that you did...and you did so much. You weren't there to face the aftermath...and I didn't get any closure. Whatever the fuck that means. Well we just never had a proper ending. we just gave up on each other..except I didn't.

Three weeks ago: after school on a really exhausting day

I think the night I got my rapist glasses two weeks ago

Tonight. Stills from my Robo.to

And now a video of me making the first half of this entry

From 6:13 to 6:25 , i opened my messages to an old message from a ghost and my mind drifted there for a bit. wondering. at 6:25, I became aware of the camera again.

For the past four weeks..or more, i wake up hurting

Reflections

This past weekend.. no week has been..something.
I finally saw Dani after  four fucking years, and she hasn't change one bit in terms of appearance. But she seems so wordly now. It's weird, next to her I feel like a sellout. I gave into being a corporate zombie, I want all the things I use to hate. I want wordly success. God, I feel awful.
I miss the sugar rush, the need to paint and draw. I miss the feel i would get on my finger tips when I strayed from art for too long. My prints would be pronounced and my fingers would be too clean.  I miss sketchbooks lying everywhere and canvases such. I miss  the music. I miss the cult like following of every band and feeling everything so profoundly. I miss falling off skateboards and running though busy crowds. I miss  sitting on table tops and laughing at silly jokes. I miss loyalty and  lack of awareness.

I don't know when I grew up and starting pursuing promotions, chasing shoes and purses, and trading wild exotic fun for care and consistency. I don;t know when it became so important for me to be composed and not show the scars that I once bore proudly. I don't remember sugar stopped being the main ingredient of everything i ate and when I began to educate my palette. Chasing ethnic treats, coffee spots and putting my sketchbook down for my journal and writing the things I use to show and burying myself in books and competing with everything that move to fulfill my need to be the best at what I do. When I started to seek financial autonomy.
I don't know when my priorities shifted and I am not sure how to feel about it.
Honestly, I don't miss the hurt nd the inconsistency that came with living so wildly..and doing things just to feel good. Fucking with people just because I could.
I am ok with who I am now. I mean I'm not perfect, but at least I know where I stand on most things. I like being composed and being open only with a lucky few.
I don't know. I'm not sure anymore.

Layered Melodies

I've been in bed, in the same position, for the last three hours. I am neither upset, nor happy nor sad.  I just am. I mean I don't know. I am not quite sure.  All I know is I feel tangled.
I feel myself  morphing and comforming to these different roles that different aspects of my life demands.I get things done but at the end of the day...I don't even know what for. Or maybe I forget

There is so much change in the air..so much potential. I am putting things in motion. Lots and lots of plan finally physicalizing.. is that even a word?
I digress.
Everything is more or less where they should be.
School: School is what it always is in my life.. stressful but under control. I can handle that. Books and figures, numbers and papers, I can handle it. But I have this one asshole of a teacher who is just a glorified twat. Like how the fuck I've been going to school since I was what two.. Idk and I've studied the same way all my life, never needed help and got consecutive A's...yet his class is the only one where my studying methods aren't fucking adequate...well me and the other 30 kids. Like get the fuck out of here man.
Physics is manageable. Man I love numbers. They make sense and there's no if or buts about it. It either is or it isn't and I can deal with that perfectly.  As for social work, I am just lying my way through it. I don't do ANY OF THE WORK..EVER.... but right there is my pristine A in its shiny glory.
As for Branaman, I've been to her class twice since the semester started in .....January. hehehe. I can bullshit any paper.
Work I shop more than I do anything else..ehehe.
But in all seriousness, work is good. It gets annoying at times because sometimes I work on weekends and I hate that. but the pay is good they girls are nice and so is my boss so it's all good.

The rest of my time is spent...no the majority of my time is spent with Lex laughing at people, eating out and just being ridiculous. I love this boy. I do. With all my might, more so than I thought I could love another. I swear we spoil each other. I adore him and I hope the things we are planing come to life because then that would just be eternal bliss.  I  hope he is there for every fucking ridiculous situation I ever go through mostly because he'll get me in those messes to begin with. Ughh Friday we go out.
My family is..well. Whatever that means.i haven't talked to my father since the end of February, and honestly I am so ok with that it scares me. It took me what less than  a day to cut all contact and intimacy I had with someone who should be one of the most influential and important people in my life. I don't know who that reflects on him or me... Maybe both. But in either case, it's not something I am planning in fixing ever. It's all good where it is. I might regret this when I am much much older but all I know is this wasn't some childish tantrum.. It was just the last straw...after everything this man has done, I miraculously had enough and I am so over everything he has done or will do.

As for myself, I've been looking forward. Planning and preparing for what will be the most trying, scary, independent and shocking thing I've done yet. As always, I will keep it discreet until it's successful and then I will reveal it.
Mum's birthday is in erm.. two weeks I believe... and Most likely I'll be working.
Thank you baby jesus for giving next saturday off so that me and my friends can go dancing and I will get smashed.Thank you lawd.
Also I am having lunch with Tais this Friday.Again thank you Baby Jesus and virgin Mary. I really appreciate it. I really fucking do.

I feel oddly robotic at times. Honestly I am just annoyed at Jay. I honest to god am. Ach I don't have the energy for this.

Stilettos and broken bottles

I want

• to be rescued
•  a cigarette
• a strong drink... keep it coming
• to have sex in a small room with loud music and coloured lights
• a bag of M&M  peanut
• fall asleep with my make up while someone plays with my hair
• to confide all my secrets to a stranger
• to have my conscience and brain not eat away at me so I can finally rest

Bitch, bitch and more bitch.

I don't know anymore.
Fuck i am so upset and too tired to cry or give a damn. I am just so ech...
This is all because of fucking Alex. Ok, just so we're clear, when I am angry I don't give a fuck how much I love you I will rip you to shred. So don't be surprise by how I'm going ti describe my sister and  friend below.

ok
Lex came home Monday afternoon, after I went to class all by myself and I was so sore with him... But as to be expected, all my frustration an anger melted into a pile of love when i saw him get out of the car and ran towards me with his arms spread out for a hug. So i gushed all over him and petted and talked to him. I wanted to take him out to dinner since ...ech I missed him. So i figured he would come over and we would catch up over dinner. But alas Alex was at work and seeing how he was already tired, I figured we would reschedule.
Yesterday he showed up super tipsy at my doorstep and we spent the night playing by the lake. With him giggling and falling all over himself and me. We had mad fun precious.
Today he worked so I didn't get to see. I went to get my nails done and got mum's nails done and went to work straight after. Imagine my fucking surprise when I go home to find that Alex and Lex went to dinner without me. Fucking bitch. She fucking knew how fucking ecstatic I was to take his ass to dinner and she does this shit claiming innocently he came unannounced. my ass. You fucking knew because you told me so thank god for your pitiful memory. And she had the nerve to fucking act like I exaggerated. this fucking..
it's bad enough that they always fucking hang out but to take him out alone on his homecoming dinner behind my fucking back is perfect double crossing bitch move and honestly if she were not my sister I could kick her teeth in I'm so furious. I hate this shit. I fucking hate this shit. And shit like that make me skeptical about sharing my things, my life and friends with her. Because when it's her fucking friends I'm suppose to take a backseat but when it's my friend she is all up on his dick. ..not literally. Fuck I am so goddamn mad. I am so goddamned mad. So naturally i'm skipping class tomorrow so i dont have to see his gob tomorrow and talk to him and i just can't.
and as for. this is the first and last time we'll share someone to this magnitude. Being nice is overrated.

and I sent Jay's birthday present over..with a heavy heart...See I had already picked it out and wrote the card before he irked me so now I am just annoyed. I mean i still want to celebrate his birthday but I am not willing to look weak.  we're here again.
Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck them.
I don't know everyone and everything pisses me.

I am going to do what  do best now and read "The Age of Innocence" because  might go mad otherwise.

Tonight, a silvery moon shines in my lavender clear sky. Nearby, the stars dwindle softly with White fluffly piles of cloud sputtered about like smoke of my menthol cigarette. Beneath the heavens, I sit under what I presumed to be a ficus tree watching the reflection of the sky on the mirror black lake which reflects the soft but not dull light of my neighbours' porch lights. Every now and then, I see twinkling lights as airplanes zip across the sky carrying what must be disgruntled and tired passengers.
It couldn't be more beautiful put here and I can't take it in. The air is cool and the slightly overgrown grass makes for a nice but ticklish cushion as I eat my obnoxiously loud plantain chips. Actually eating after a smoke was not a good idea as every bite taste like minty and salty tobacco bites. I don't mind right now. I can't complain because the longer I sit put here the more I feel myself blanketed in this serene state.
It's so quiet out here I feel like I can breathe again even if I did pollute my lungs just now. Behind me, I can see my parents in the bedroom going about mundane tasks completely unaware of the heaven that lies outside the glass door.
I feel poetic. Like I'm casted in one of mr. Shakespeare's classic plays.
I wonder which one I'd be in.
Anyways, last night I had a long conversation with Jensen about suicide. anyways, I realised that I'm not completely over mine or Jd. I honestly am not too sure why I did stop trying. I mean I know why I keep saying I did but sometimes I'm not sure it's the real reason. Anyways, I hated his approach to it. Calling it weak and cowardly. I think it was cold and cruel to say so


No, this isn't the post to get into this. There's way too much beauty here right now to deviate into such a somber topic.
I feel unrealistically good right now. I wish I could share this moment with someone.

Checklists and idled thoughts

It's two in the morning and I am writing this under the covers on my itouch so you can already picture how uncomfortable this is. But hey it shows commitment yes?
Anyways I just came back from work a couple hours ago or so. And I have only recently noticed just how behind I've gotten in my life

I live to go to school, work, sleep and listen to music. I stopped watching my shows about three or four weeks ago and with the bombardment of task and unpredictated complications, I haven't found the time to squeeze in any leisure activity. Bah this reminds me of Veblen, I just tool the exam this afternoon and I got an 'A'.

I don't mind being busy, I just hate feeling like I'm getting buried under a pile of expectation and work and I see myself disappear and crumble under their weight.

I have to go pick up my glasses from the opticians. I had to call wentworth about applying. I have to look up new phone plans and change my company. I have to clean my goddamn room so I can see my floor again. I can't breathe in this clutter. I hate when the mess of my life spills in my room. I need to clean up my architecture closet and get everything organised again. I need to catch up on about three weeks worth of tv shows I need to do my nails and repair the stress damage. I need to dye my hair. I need to clean my closet and go shopping. I need to replace my make up because my base powder, bronzer. And blush are almost done. I need to replace my iPod. I need to buy shoes bc I just really do.
I feel overwhelmed by my ever-growing list of things that I can never seem to accomplish. I work all bloody weekend this week. Hmm note to self: think of the money. And nano leaves for bacau and we want to party so I need to get ready to go out after one of my shifts. Oh vey.
I want to visit home this summer and I am therefore saving moolah. So despite everything I need, I should be minimising my expenses.
I need to breathe. I need to call J and just chitchat and laugh because he makes me laugh and minimise the stress of everything. Ugh fail.
I need to sleep. I am waking up in a few hours



Listened to

Ryan Leslie- I chose you
Turn your lights down low ft Lauren hill- bob Marley
I miss you- beyonce
And a bunch songs that I really didn't pay attention too.

Drunken Confessions

Really what are the fucking chances?

Bad habits

The last two weeks or so, have been so hellish. Honestly my hair hasn't been permed or coloured since then. My roots are growing in with my coils.
Tomorrow is the entry exam for upper division and the last thirty seventy two hours have tested me beyond my expectation.
I mean, stress.. pshhh bring it!
That's all my life but this... this guaranteed failure every step of the way was just too much. I mean I don't mind working hard for the things I want but at least it pays off. But when it came my portfolio, nothing went right. Problems were invented for no goddamn reason.
First I couldn't find the programs, then my camera wasn't working, then my computer just wouldn't function. it went from being a macbook to an outdated  pc in fucking minutes. then everything was working except for the programs I needed to make the goddamn portfolio.  Then i couldn't sent it because "gmail doesn't allow this kind of email." I mean it actually said that to me..for a fucking pdf file.
Then at the printers, every time the file was sent to print, the printer started then it said " file cannot be printed." the lady just scratched her head and swore to me in all her years of experience she's never seen something like this happen. I believed her because I couldn't explain this chain of bad luck.
I was so caught up in fixing things that I stopped eating all together. As of now I still can't hold down any solid. I've just been drinking water and tea, because eating burns my stomach. I can't deal with the pain... or any other consequences.
Tomorrow after the exam, I'll force myself to eat. I will.
But tonight I have to print another copy of the portfolio,  do my assignment for social work, read for my midterm on monday and practice physics for my midterm on tuesday because I work saturday.
I am so afraid that chunks of my hair will start falling out again.  I didn't notice it but i started grinding my teeth in my sleep so I wake up with these blinding headaches the very few hour or so of sleep i get for the day. I had to file all my nails down because I scratch myself raw when I am stressed. it's a tick I get sometimes.
I am getting this stress pimples on my eyebrows. I look so pale and the colour of my hair isn't helping it. The white of my eyes are nice ghost white. Between portfolio alone, I'm about ready to die. Now add, the stress of school, my own personal dramas, my parentals, and work...Honestly I'm not sure how I am keeping sane or how I can keep going.
I'm going to need so much medecine and rest over spring break.
I need therapy.
 I need someone who is in no way caught up in the mess I am to just be there. I want to be hugged and petted. I want someone to make me laugh and for a second I wan t to forget about the pressure, the demands, and the expectation and the paralyzing fear of failure. I need someone to give a damn when they don't have too.
Once I survive these two upcoming weeks, I'll be back to blogging and hopefully and happy again.

Be wonderful

My Life In Pictures..Sort of

I was going through my phone deleting old pictures and messages and I cam across a set of random...but iconic to a certain extent pictures that sort of ...well I guess show my life.

Lex's headless body. This was in the middle of an intense debate of whether or not we should skip class since we were half an hour late. We ended up going because he said I could skip my next class. oh this semester is packed with wonderful memories.

Lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. We laughed so much, and made fun of the couple who sat next to us. We fought too. We drove one hour away from school..well I drove. But anyways, we made it to Boyton, only to drive back down to school and  eat there. Still a great memory.

Me as of lately. I am always sitting on the bathroom sink listening to music and playing with my hair or make up. I'll go to take a shower and just end up sitting on the counter for a good hour before someone discovers me and take my Itouch away. 

This was...sophomore year. It's the lovely Marina making fun of my glasses because they are "too big". hmmm fashion was never her thing.

Junior year..model making

One of the many occasions when I send pictures of my nail design to Lizzy...Actually this was the week Marlene and Maame first came to ou casa. Cicie and I were coming back from lunch @ Larry's.

My sisters. 

Umm..the day we went downtown. 

Senior year...Model making. Ugh the stress I experienced then

My favorite late night snack, courtesy of Lizzy

Hmm Peruvian chocolate...courtesy of Pixie

My go to face. Last model of my senior year.

Pixie sleeping on the Job.

Late night victory shot. The model was done =]

The weekend before I took flight. Chez Pixie for her party. This was right after I got ready for bed drunk as fuck and tired as hell.

Ahh the day Jon and I went for a walk for ice cream and french fries. I love this little man.

Obsessing over this purse with Lizzy. I texted her right as soon as I saw it..this was on the 30th of December.. She had just landed back from St. Barths. I should have bought  this!

Obsessing over shoes with Lizzy

New glasses. I'm always hunting for the perfect frames

cake batter ice cream to mend my broken heart after we dropped jensen off. 

Working..this is usually what I am surrounded by

Ahh the love fridge

goofing around with Gilles. Well I was trying to study. but he wanted to cheer me up

ahem.. he's gangster. "west side"

Add caption

West side. He doesn't know how to frame a picture.

ahah! second try is a success

Mackenzy

Tom

Gilles dancing to Niggas in Paris

Making  CDs for Maame and packaging it.

These made me smile. It's the little things... that make a difference. these moments.